"Et tu, Brute?"

--From Julius Caesar (III, i, 77)

Yesterday my mom stopped by in the morning before going to work to see Gusi. She often does this and it has become a great time for the two of them to play and for PapaGus and I to get a few things done. But, the problem is when she leaves. Usually we can say bye-bye, walk her to the door and watch her get into her car and drive away--that is enough. Yesterday it wasn't. She left and he was in tears. He cried for a bit and then we had to distract him.

To make matters worse, PapaGus also left later that morning for work. It was terrible for Gusi; he was devastated. He cried quite a bit and wanted to be held and cuddled. Two of the people he loves most in this world had left and he wasn't going to let me out of his site.

I had other plans. I've been going to the gym in the evenings over the last few months. I have to wait until someone can come to the house to relieve me of my parenting duties, but it's just not so practical considering it leaves very little time to spend with PapaGus and Gusi as a family and practically no time to prepare healthy meals for anyone except Gusi. So I told my mom and PapaGus that I would be taking Gusi to the zoo that day. They didn't ask but I already knew that I would have to do that in order to wash the guilt away from what I was about to do.

The gym we go to has a nursery. It's small but has plenty of toys and is clean. It was time to try it out. I figured that it wouldn't be too busy on a Friday morning and it would just be a short workout anyway. When I got there I was met by a young, but nice woman. I explained that he was my only child, my first born, that he had never been to any kind of sitter before, that he was always watched by me, my mom or his father because I believe it is my duty to provide the most loving environment for him to grow up in. She smiled and tried to put me at ease. Apparently she had had another mother like me the week before and she reassured me that she was a nanny to a 10 month old two days a week. I was almost in tears, choking up. I showed her his bag. He could have a banana, there was some water in case he got thirsty and if he made the sign for milk, there was a little box of soy milk in there. Also, he probably wouldn't need it but there were diapers and wipes. She again reassured me that all would be well. I put Gusi down and he ran off to play with the toys. I was astounded. Was this not the same child who cried most of the morning because his grandmother and father left for work? Was I so expendable? As I walked out the door I noticed that the television was on and explained that Gusi wasn't allowed to watch television. The two other children that were there were older and only one was watching. She said that she'd keep Gusi busy in another part of the room and that if the other kids weren't watching she'd turn it off. Gusi was busy playing with one of the toys and didn't even notice when I left.

Still, I felt terrible. I was apart from him for all of 46 minutes. The 30 seconds it took me to walk to the elliptical machines, the 45 minutes of workout and the 30 seconds it took me to walk back to the nursery. I didn't stretch, I didn't warm up, I didn't do the abdominal exercises that I usually do after a workout, and I cut my workout by 15 minutes on top of that. Not only was I in the workout room two doors down from the nursery but I was running scenarios through my head the entire time. What if there's a fire, is there an emergency exit close to the nursery? I noticed a lot of moms walking down the hall and bringing their kids to the nursery, will this young woman be able to take care of so many? What if one of them is sick and plays with Gusi? What if one of them is a bully? What if he's crying right now? What if he manages to open the door and walk out the nursery? What if the young woman is epileptic and has a seizure and no one notices and the children get hurt? What if he hurts himself on one of the big kid toys? It was the longest 46 minutes of my life--honestly. It seemed to go by slower than when I was in labor--that's how eternal it was.

When I finished my workout I went to the nursery with the intention of peeking in to see how things were going. I saw the young woman carrying Gusi as he snuggled up to her watching the other kids play. I gave her a thumbs up or thumbs down from the door and she gave a thumbs up right back. Phew. But then...then...Gusi saw me and it was all over. He started crying. My knees buckled and I went in to calm him down. The young woman told me that he had been fine, playing with this toy and that, then he wanted to be held so she had held him and he was fine. No crying at all apparently, just a bit sullen. I then held him and he stopped crying. I asked him if he wanted some milk and he made the sign for milk. We opened it up and he slurped away. The young woman said that I could go take a shower if I wanted and he'd be ok. I tried to give him back but he started crying like I've never heard before. A mother knows the different cries of her child and this was not one I was willing to tolerate. I took him with me, thanked the young woman and walked to the locker room. He was better.

When we got home he was exhausted but when I put him in his crib he bounced back up like a jack-in-the-box. I told him it was time to sleep but he screamed that same cry again. I took a quick shower hoping he would cry himself to sleep. No dice. When I got out I couldn't take it so I took him to our bed and snuggled with him. He slept for two hours and I read The Economist.

When he awoke we had lunch and were off to the zoo. Gusi was very hesitant about going anywhere and when I pointed to the monkeys on his shoes and told him that we'd see some real monkeys he just gave me this look like yeah, right.

Needless to say we saw some animals, but we also shared a slushy and rode the train two times and the carousel three. We rode the rides until they closed them down for the day but I am still feeling a few twinges of guilt. Perhaps another slushy today?